Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
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