I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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