So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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