it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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