I skipped work to stalk him.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
