So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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