I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
