My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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