I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You ate ashes out of my bong
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
