You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Randomize
