He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
