Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
