i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
