you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
