I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
