The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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