That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
