nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
