I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
