you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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