I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
