called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
