I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
