actually, I'm a sock model
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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