I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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