Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Send help, water and tortillas.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
