he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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