Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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