a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
