Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
