For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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