About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
