he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
