Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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