if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
