im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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