In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
