she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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