Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
