you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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