i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
