I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
