rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
