I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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