I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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