Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
