The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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