Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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