I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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