oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
