I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
